Today, I am wrapped in a blanket, sitting in my office full of windows, contemplating where I am. Where is the present moment? What lies within it? How does this moment, impact the next, and the next, and the next. I realized I am spending the present moment contemplating what the next moment will hold, and bleeding this contemplation into the next moment, and the next and the next. Ahh….the essence of anxiety and/or excitement. Anticipation.
As a healthy person, I was present, and forward-seeking, working in the now and in the future, to clear the path. I embodied no sense of time, I could just bask in existing. I pursued whatever I wanted, and loved every second of it-even the hard parts.
As a person, tagged with labels of Cancer, disease, dysfunction, a person with more pill bottles by her bedside as weeks progress, basking in my existence means basking in mortality. It is being keenly aware, the clock has begun ticking (even though it always was). It took less than two years, for cancer to strip away my identity, sink its grip deep into my flesh, and begin feeding on my body, mind, and soul.
As the cancer is waging war, my body is making steady work of loosening its grip, at the cost of other organ systems, taking up extra work to ensure I can function each day. I love my body more today than I ever have. It is working incredibly hard to sustain me. For this work, maybe time, nor identity, nor existence matters. Maybe being present is really just showing up for myself, and what I need at this moment to support the process of healing.
To now, to where I am, I need a nap. 🙂