The Day I Reached the Bottom of the World

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April 15, 2018

The cancer inside of me has been a resident of my body for over 7 years, quietly raging war….until 2016.  I suddenly found my physical and mental state destroyed by dark forces I couldn’t recognize as part of myself.  I would spend another year and a half, reaching lower lows,  while disease became my voice, my conscience, and the puppeteer of my body.

These early journal entries become sparse as time passed, but these early entries validate what I didn’t yet know, and what doctors would continue to overlook.

February 20, 2016

My soul is screaming, I hear it, and there is some other power that has hold of me.  It is a darkness, while always fascinating, terrifying and never something I would logically explore.  Have I been so denying of the dark, I don’t recognize it as my own?

I have never let go or given in to the dark.  I have never just let it all out, whether it be screaming, breaking things, etc.  I have always have chosen to divert that energy to positives.  I find myself at a place now that the positives seem out of reach. I can see reason, but am powerless to attain it.

Today, I see this reality as an option, not a given.  I can allow myself to be swallowed by death, or I can choose to emerge. Find the drive that has always been there.  The one that has driven me to make some the most difficult yet instrumental changes in my life thus far.  More importantly, learn to embrace the dark.  Recognize it.  Keep it close, and be responsible with it.

I am pure love.  I am a conduit for the white light.  I’ve got this.

 

February 21, 2016

I am seemingly happier.  It is cloudy and fuzzy.  I still lack focus and have delayed fine motor skills.  I find myself getting anxious about the boys coming home.  I have to stay strong and dig deep.  I need my soul to take over.  Please, take over.

February 23, not 22, 2016

Apparently, I missed a whole day somewhere.  Letting it go.  I am coming back from this.  I’ve got this.  I love life.  I love everything that comes with it.  I can’t wait to move forward from this place.  I have everything I could want in life and more.

It’s not my time, I’m not going.  I am moving forward from this, doing what needs to be done to get better.

February 25, not 24, 2016

Again, a day behind.  I am clearer, less fuzzy, and want to listen to music.  All good stuff.  Still feeling out of control of my impulsive decisions.  I seem to think western medicine is necessary, but the spiritual part of this, which I suspect is the biggest piece is yet to be explored.  I have fear here, but I am ready to face it.  Ready.  Ready Ready.

I call upon my soul, my spirit guides, guardian angels.  Please help me find the way.  Help me find the way out of this.  What is my direction, where I am meant to go?  Here is where I need to be now.  No doubt.

 

 

 

 

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